Divisive Decisions

Basking in the warmth of an incomplete clause

Hey! Are you afraid of your flaws?

Hiding passionate insecurities is a popular past-time among the lost or otherwise inconveniently misguided.

Finding the courage to give any thought a voice is the challenging path toward self-expression.

Of course, I don’t mean this as a higher order actualization and more a litmus test for accepting myself for who I really am.

Perhaps you, dear reader, will also find that swirling mess of clouded concepts useful.

The Epic of Maneus, with all its quasi-philosophical ramblings, is shaped by my flawed attempts at exposing my own shortcomings.

I needed flawed heroes to serve as the saviors of humanity.

Old Wounds

My recent pursuit of happiness has been less a series of unfortunate events and more a spiral out of control.

I realized just how well I had learned to hide who I was.

I grew up fearing my flaws.

I have lived most of my life fueled by an adrenaline-driven survival instinct, drowning in the shadows of chaos.

That anxiety and nervous indecision is where the omnipresent antagonist came from in every story set in the world of Maneus.

I want to emphasize that making these dark themes so close to my own fears wasn’t a conscious choice. I was compelled by a power greater than myself — one which I never cared to clearly define.

And frankly, I am not at all interested in that tired debate.

However, I did take note of how becoming more self-aware made it easier to incorporate my real life into my imagined story.

In many ways, that was what led me to feel comfortable canonizing Lux Aeterna.

I’ve already expressed my satisfaction with how well my desperate cries in the form of pithy letters play with the narrative of Maneus, but I haven’t explored nearly enough how difficult that was to process.

Harsh Reality

During my better-forgotten days of high school, Navy recruiters once came in to propagandize teenagers into joining a patriotic initiative.

The sailors themselves were largely indifferent, but they went through their spiel and were earnestly interested in helping any lost souls.

I will never forget the reaction one of the recruiters had to my lazy answers.

“You’re one of those who doesn’t want people to know they’re smart.”

I played it cool in the way an awkward 16-year-old does, but I was honestly surprised to have been read so well.

I have always tried to be invisible. I find it difficult to vaunt my achievements and end up silencing my true ambitions.

That has led to a life of confusion where my personal motivation is misaligned with public perception of pragmatic success.

Only after my fall from grace have I found the will to actually accept where my feelings lie.

That is why it stings all the worse when my “success” amounts to several books next to no one has read.

So far, there has been no glory in my pursuit of exposing my flaws.

I have found no prize in writing and releasing stories.

What little interest there is in my work is shallower than a muddy puddle after a light drizzle.

My life’s work has been worthless when weighed against the realities of everyday life.

Possible Prospects

I don’t want to wallow in despair, but I do want to be honest with who I am and what I have done.

In order to refocus those efforts on something that moves beyond my past issues — if not emotionally then at least creatively — I want to mention a few of my nascent ideas.

These are all resting in various stages of completeness, but they are also all fleshed out concepts I would have no trouble doubling down on.

1. Agum’s Psalm — An additional adventure in the world of Besnowed following Agum Gernan and how he went from being a troublesome youth to a pious pastor.

2. Passage Interdit — My memoirs of living in France and how I process never fitting in.

3. Between Us — A scifi adventure exploring cultural differences between a colony on Mars and those who remain on Earth.

I’m not sure I have the energy or the financial means to really pursue any of these right now, but maybe — just maybe — some prying eyes will lead to a potential windfall, opening up a sustainable path to my dream career, despite my numerous flaws and shortcomings.

Those decisions remain divisive, most of all within myself. But I believe sharing some of that wavering confidence will go a long way in convincing you of my cause.

Otherwise, I hope you are well.

Until next time.

—JMB